Would It Even Matter?
by LetMeWalkTheEarthWithYou
Summary: Spoiler up to 6x10/ Warning: DARK/ANGST / - And maybe that explains why she hugs him back, instead of yelling. Her foggy mind telling her that everything's fine, that she's happy. And she is, isn't she? / DARK


**Disclamer: I own nothing, everything belongs to their rightful owners.**

**Warning: Spoiler up to 6x10/ This is DARK and ANGSTY. If that's not your cup of tea, please feel free to skip it.**

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**Would It Even Matter?**

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In her dreams she's running. It's dark and cold and she can't see, but she knows she has to run and so she does. Blindly stumbling through the darkness, screaming his name.

But she's too late. Every single time. _(Her own hands soaked with blood)._

She wakes up sobbing for months.

.

As soon as she takes the offer to work as a police chief, she starts taking pills too. A few in the morning to get through the day and a few in the evening to sleep through the night. It's a doom loop. But it works.

And she even goes to see a psychiatrist.

.

When she meets Jane again, two years later, she's high. And maybe that explains why she hugs him back, instead of yelling. Her foggy mind telling her that everything's fine, that she's happy. And she is, isn't she?

_(He came back for her, didn't he?)_

He wants to work with her again and she can't believe he's serious. She tells him no, almost fleeing the room. Knowing she's going to give in eventually.

.

It's Abbott who comes to see her three months later, threatening her to get her to work with Jane again. For her own good. _(Right, of course)._

The truth is this isn't about her and she knows it never was and never will be. This is only about him closing cases. Just like all those years ago.

But she's far too tired to fight and so she simply agrees, taking the flight ticket out of his hands and shoving him out of her front door.

Drinking a whole bottle of wine by herself afterwards.

.

The nightmares come back to mock her only a few hours later and she wakes up sobbing again. Clutching the sheets against her shaking body, throwing up on the floorboards next to her bed.

_(For her own good, huh?)_

What a fucking lie.

.

Working with Jane again is even worse than she thought it would be. He's lost his mojo and she has to deal with a whole new drama. And if Abbott calls her Jane's girlfriend one more time she's going to shoot him. _(Literally.)_

She keeps glaring at Abbott for all that's worth. Trying not to snap, because she knows that's what he's waiting for. Watching her with that smug grin on his face. That grin that reminds her a lot of how Jane used to be.

And she wonders if Abbott thinks about sleeping with her. Maybe. She's almost sure that's the only reason he still keeps her around.

He makes her share a room with Jane to his own amusement and she only agrees because she's not in the mood to make a scene. It's what he's waiting for too, isn't it?

_(Bastard)._

But maybe it's what she deserves after all.

.

She wakes up sobbing night after night. Clutching the sheets against her trembling body and stumbling into the bathroom.

And she doesn't even bother explaining that to Jane in the morning, instead she's gulping down another hand full of pills.

Hoping to get through another day.

.

One day Jane asks her out for dinner and three hours later Abbott does the same and she can't help but laugh at both of them. Even though it isn't funny at all. She calls Walter Mashburn instead.

He's not surprised and why should he, she did call him a couple of times over the years. _(And lets be honest here, she's not in the mood for dressing up and looking for a new boy toy to play with)._

So calling him is the easiest way to get what she needs.

He's there in less than two hours and she meets him in the honeymoon suite of the hotel, where she allows him to fuck her until sunrise.

_(It's either that or jumping off the hotel roof)._

.

She thinks about calling him again almost all the time now. And most days she just gives in.

And it's almost funny how easy it is to pull his strings.

He takes her out for dinner, buys her champagne and those prescription drugs she wouldn't get without his help. And the only thing he wants in return is her pretended love.

_(Well, that she'll manage)._

.

She's playing with fire she knows, but she's not afraid of getting burned anymore.

(And would it even matter?)

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******Disclamer: I own nothing, Everything belongs to their rightful owners.**

******************AN: Thank you to everyone who's taking the time to read and/or review my stories, that really means the world to me! Thank you! And a big thank you goes to my wonderful beta readers guineapiggie and clairebare!**


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